hope takes flight: February 2009

"Difficulties afford a platform upon which He can show Himself. Without them we could never know how tender, faithful and almighty our God is." - Hudson Taylor

They say writing is therapeutic and so I write...February of 1999 was one of the hardest times in my life. My mom was taken to the hospital one morning and as us four kids met my dad at the hospital we found out she didn't make it. To say we were shocked is an understatement-she had no health problems, it was so out of nowhere. I remember those first few days and nights so vividly, thinking it had to be a bad dream. We just sat at the house we grew up in and cried and kept thinking someone would say it was all a mistake. I was a few months pregnant with Claire and she was due on my mom's birthday. I had been having problems in the pregnancy and they told me it was pretty certain the pregnancy would not continue and that I would miscarry. One time when I went in the ultrasound tech recognized me and said something about not believing I was still carrying the baby. My mom had been such a support to me during this time.

I really didn't know how to process my emotions, I don't think any of us did. I just felt so unprepared. I felt like the walls of my faith came crashing down, and it was a fork in the road in my faith. Was I going to believe God was who He said He was and His comfort would carry me? It was a long process of grief and I grew in my relationship to God in many ways. God met me in so many ways I can't even begin to count. I think through it instead of my walls of faith crashing down, the walls were made solid. I found I could believe God was who He said He was and He would carry me. I look at the friends He put in my life prior to this to grieve with me and support me. I am thankful for the great church I was attending where I could really continue to grow in this time. I can remember the beautiful conversation my mom and I had the night before she died. The dinner Mike, Ali, Caroline and I had with my mom and dad the prior weekend. This baby I was carrying that was due on my mom's birthday, which miraculously I was able to deliver!

I think it has been hard this year not having my mom here to be able to share the joy of bringing home James. I think of her often and know she would love James and get such a kick out of this little boy. And God continues to pour down His blessings and comfort. What an incredible joy to find out just recently from my dad that my mom had talked about wanting to adopt(a boy)! He said they talked about it, but never ended up going further. I could hardly contain myself when my dad shared this on the phone with me recently. I just cried-how amazing that this was my mom's heart as well and I never even knew it-but yes I guess it doesn't surprise me at all. I am so thankful that God would choose this time to have my dad share this with me, because it has been so comforting to me and just brings me such joy! Our kids have said they are going to adopt too-how cool is that!